Captivated

This is me.
I'm human.

Airah Nerissa dela Fuente

031912

I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

Is it because I was a bit agressive?

Is it because I showed my feelings

A little too earlier and a little too much?

Is it because I make the first moves?

Is it because I assumed?

Is it so wrong to think that

There really was something that sparked?

Is it so wrong to think that

We could have been what you two

Are like right now?

If only I was careful

If only I was discreet

If only I wasn’t too assuming

And if only I took notice…

Maybe I wouldn’t have to wish

What I’m wishing right now.

A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.

—Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (via bookmania)

(via erichalvorsen)

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

—F. Scott Fitzgerald  (via thatkindofwoman)

(Source: aquaticuss, via riannashanz)

Hope

I had my hopes today and I realized that

It’s so hard to have hope and then suddenly lose it

Because by then, you would do everything you can

To see and feel that hope again

Just like looking for a light

At the end of a dark tunnel

It’s like an addictive drug

That you keep looking for

That you keep craving for

Hope…

But what am I to do when

All I have is hope?

It’s not like I’d get what I really want

When all I have is hope

Not at all

Because I know

I’m hoping…

Hoping without something to hold on

Hoping for nothing at all

Hoping even if I know I don’t stand a chance.

Heartbreak.

Today, my heart was broken. To make it worse, it was because of a friend. Well, not exactly directly. I felt it break. I didn’t even cry. I just felt my heart, the heaviness of it. It’s like a hand was holding it and then started to squeeze it. I’m happy for my friend, I really am. She liked the guy for almost 2 years. It’s like this is the first time I felt this kind of heartbreak. I think it’s because he made me feel loved, even if it was only a joke. He made me feel like I have someone who cares, even if it was a joke. To make it worse, I hoped. My hopes went up. And then they all went crashing down on me like some kind of tidal wave. It all ends today. I don’t even know why, but a part of me is still hoping. Shit.

Friends?

Is what you’re showing considered as the acts of a friend?

Backstabbing? Doubting? Talking ill stuff behind my back?

Is that what you call a friend?

To be honest, I miss you. But then I guess you don’t miss me.

I really do hope that we will be back to the way we were before.

But then I guess we will never be how we were before.

I know in myself what I’ve done wrong, and what I’ve done right.

I know in myself that you just misunderstood me, and I just misunderstood you.

I just hope you’d tell me, and not blab about it behind my back.

Still, that doesn’t change the fact that you are/were my friend.

And that doesn’t change the fact that I miss you, and the others.

The assumed thing.

Another thing, which I thought could turn into something nice, turned out to be just something I assumed.

It wasn’t there, it was never there. I was just too naive to think that it was.

Still, that assumed thing was beautiful; it made me feel special in the least way. Even just a teensy tiny little bit.

But still, it got me hoping. It got me hoping that that assumed thing would turn out to be the thing I’ve been looking for. But I guess not this time.

I’m sure of it now (I wasn’t these past two months). It came right in and smashed all my illusions. Still, I’m thankful it came this early, while I’m still trying to figure out how and what I feel.

I know it’ll be hard not to think the same way again, and it’ll be hard to avoid thinking that way, but I’ll try. And I know, I’ve said this a lot of times: I’ll be waiting for the time when a thing that I assumed will really turn out into something nice, something that I’ve always been looking for.